Random thoughts of mine

Years ago, I kept everything to myself and I hurt myself and everyone. So I learned my lesson.

I need to express myself, my emotions. So I did. Then I hurt people.

I am sad I am angry I am lost. I need to let my thoughts out but I can't as I am suppose to be 'mature' and handle all these gracefully.

So I talked to myself, I made my own voice recording, I scribbled and I wrote random blogs like this.

Arghhh.... I wish to turn back time, erase the unintentional mistake.

T.T

Love you, truly.

I was falling fast, free fall. Losing controls to gravity and emotions. I gasped, like a fish being thrown to the ground.

Break into pieces, that's what I saw coming. 'Embrace it, it's the end of the suffering', I heard.

I nodded, I turned and I saw you. You were trying to catch me then I got you, grasped you firmly, pulling you down with me.

On my way down, I was terrified but I made the decision to take the hard impact.

As I recollected myself, as the fear faded and courage built up, I remembered I have my tiny wings.

So I tried moving them and I slowed down in the fall. When I decided to fly up, I realised my tiny efforts couldn't hold the weights of both of us.

I don't know whether you have found your wings but before we crush into pieces, I  want you to know, I am sorry I started something I can't end.

Love you, truly.

He is js not that into you

你不懂
泪在转身的那一刻就落下了

你不懂
我在车里哭了一整夜

你不懂
冰冷尖锐的文字 武装着我的无助

你不懂
装做轻松的语气粉饰着卑微的我

你不懂
我等着的是你的一句心疼


后来 我好像懂了 其实是我自己不懂 你根本不想懂

陀螺转

一直走 一直走 一直走 走在熟悉的路上 就不去考虑对与错 值不值得 在无法感受的日子 往前总是比在原地好 习惯了那个速度 那个孤寂 那个麻木 狮子低吼着 小孩哭泣着 如果无法往内看 就寻找外边的慰籍吧 脑里心里想的感受的 都比身边的事与人转换得太快 下一秒就忘了刚问出口的问候 你说什么 对不起 听不到 听不见 对不起 我说对不起了吗 对不起 在忙着转圈圈 面对新鲜的事新鲜的人 可以坦诚的裸露 可以扮个喜欢的角色 乖乖的 坏坏的 怪怪的 坚强的 软弱的 可爱的 可恶的 真实的 幻觉的 你看见的 就算是我眼底的 也是要给你看见的 不解 是什么让高速驻留 时间定格 是你的好 是你的一切 没说的 是 那熟悉的无助 那熟悉的麻木 那熟悉的角色扮演 那熟悉的落寞 晕眩着 微笑着 想像自己有超人的能力 狮子嘶吼着 小孩情绪失控着 战战兢兢的说 没有人听见 把鸦片加量吧 扮聋已经无法抵抗 把自己弄聋吧 承受不了 接受不了 放弃吧 回到原点 比所有努力还容易 不在乎 不在乎 不在乎 都不是最在乎的

unsent love letter

I wrote the last post two months ago. I was in doubt if i would ever meet someone who will make me as happy as you do and whether i should just settle with someone or anyone or simply staying single. I questioned the existence of you and wonder how would i meet you. Was i waiting for someone who would never come? shall i give in? Half a month later, you came into my life, unexpectedly, at the craziest time in my career life ever. i was so busy and tensed, gastric and insomnia came back to me, couldnt even woke up in one of the mornings due to the severe dizziness. i dont have time to eat and rest properly, let alone facial and watching my weight. i was basically at the worst of my life, in appearance as well as temper and everything else. Then, knowing our schedules, strong characters and tonnes of other factors, i am impressed with your patience for me and my humbleness and expressiveness for you, despites all those unexpected challenges and tests.. Both of us are not perfect, not even near. Nonetheless, we are clear with things we want as well as those we are willing to complement each other after what we have gone through in the past, before we met each other. we are old fashioned yet stratightforward. somehow i feel we are so alike despite the short time we know each other. honestly, i am madly into you within couple of weeks.. you are the answer to my prayer, as i told you. While we have not made it official and i am still having butterflies in my tummy wondering whether you are trully into me, i want you to know that you made me understand the value of what i have gone through in the past and my long wait. I will make you happy, if not happier than you make me. I promised. Thanks for coming to me <3

非诚勿扰

世事就是这样。我是个非常想婚的人，却也到了这样的年龄还单身。我的人生过了三十年，花了三分之一的时间谈了两场没有结果的恋爱。 后悔吗？没有。他们都是好男人，是我当初的梦想成真。我太轻浮，没有经过这些年的历练我没有办法了解自己心底最想要的东西，没有办法抗拒那么多的诱惑，没有办法包容彼此的不同处。如果当初我＂得逞＂了，我也没有信心经营得了一生一世的诺言。看见曾经的爱人现在拥有各自的幸福，我打从心底祝福。 只是我似乎太久没在爱情这市场上游走，当初我熟悉的游戏规则似乎过时了。相遇相识了解相处磨合都太花时间了。 关心我的人想给我介绍推荐出主意，总结基本上就是富有的，年长的，可以照顾我这个在他们眼中长不大的小孩。 我接受了相亲是可行的方式。只是从接受这个概念到自我实践，我似乎还需要那么一点对我的传统观念的死心。直接把所有条件摊出来，我不禁地想，这些年我努力经营的自我增值是否会把我喜欢的人吓跑了，而我真的爱上了，他又是否怀疑我要的只是他的身家？ 当爱情成了一集集的非诚勿扰和非常完美，我无法了解参与者如何通过荧幕，社交网上的关注而爱上心动嘉宾并为了她或他来到节目表白。在那很可能是首次见面的瞬间定生死，喜悦的牵手成功或独自心碎离开，我为成为娱乐的爱情默哀。 偶然有些在现实生活了解然后爱上的朋友受不了可能失去心动的朋友的煎熬下，来到节目表白。我想，为啥恋人总在快失去时才会鼓起勇气？ 我当然想谈一场不分手的恋爱。我会为谁留灯到最后，你又是否会为我转身？只是牵手成功之后又怎样呢？ 我的仰慕似乎成了一个不懂该给谁的奢侈品。

Me

My blood type is coffee.
My citizenship is fbian.
My language is whatsapp.
My life is a quest for One Piece.

I can be sweet I can be rough.
I can be smart I can be dumb.
I can be nice I can be unreasonable.
I can be friendly I can be cocky.
I can be adventurous I can be conservative.
It all depends on my mood swings :p

I just love being me <3