When I was looking at the fireworks last night, my tears rolled down my cheeks uncontrollably. It was then I realized my true feelings about concluding 2011 - relieved and proud.
I started last year on the not so good footing. I watched my first solo movie in a place I wasn’t familiar on 31.12.2010 evening and welcomed 1.1.2011 00:01am alone. I felt so lonely when I sat in the huge cinema fully packed with excited people who were looking forward to the new year and I acted like I was cool and enjoyed spending the last night of 2010 with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie (at least it was Johnny Depp :p).
I walked back to the place I lodged telling myself although it was the worst ever new year eve, I would take 2011 as a good challenge and I would learn to be more independent emotionally and mentally. I believed in 2011.
First half of 2011 was filled with difficult struggles, choices and decisions. Turning points came in June. In the second half of 2011, I cried more but also saner. I started to see things clearly.
I acknowledged my mistakes and my stubbornness and I truly appreciated the chances to restart and choose again. I was torn apart but I understood it is part of my growing process so I endured the pain. Loves and supports from family and friends helped me went through the tough days and I felt light when I finally let the concept of impermanence kicked in my system again.
As much pain as it almost cost half of my life, I knew I was given an opportunity to rectify something I did and save the futures of not only mine. I knew it was the best gift I could get and it’s a blessing. (Knowing it didn’t help reducing the pain obviously but do help in getting myself into sanity and speeding up the recovery process :))
I know it sounds absurd for me to be in so much pain and clear minded at the same time but what’s more surprising is that 2011 was actually a wishes-came-true year! I achieved 99% of the resolutions I set for 2011 when I did my reflection last week!
These are what I wrote on 13 and 16 Jan 2011:
“I want a change. I want to feel moving. I don't want to wait anymore. So I cut it (my hair) short. I feel like I m back to 8 years ago, excite over the future uncertainties with all the choices in my hand.”
“My 2011 resolutions are to be happier, healthier and richer in term of financial n mental. I also want to cut down my spending. I want changes, good changes, in my life. ”
(http://shiauthing.blogspot.com/2011/01/new-me.html, http://shiauthing.blogspot.com/2011/01/i-want-thomas-sabo-too.html)
What shall I say? I am happier, healthier, richer in financial and mental, I had the chance to change my life and I am feeling excited over the future uncertainties with all the choices now. (note that I didn’t comment I managed to cut down the spending, lol)
I truly am grateful for everything that happened in the way I wanted as well as those went the other way and everyone who came and gone in 2011. I am proud of myself as I survived all the hardships in 2011 and have grown wiser, mature, more peaceful in heart and mind.
Lets share some lessons learned or good things I did in 2011:
1. I learned: My family loves me more than I deserve and by letting my beloved family especially mom worries, is the most unfilial thing I can do.
2. I learned and I did: Love myself and love those deserved. Support each other.
3. I learned: I will not change a bit for anyone else in this world unless I wanted to for myself. And to make myself willing, I need to agree with the reasons. As difficult as for myself to change, there is no way that I can change others. More precisely, I shouldn’t even believe in someone who said he isn’t someone he obviously is because there is too remote a chance that he will change himself for me.
4. I learned: I shall accept and respect my partner for who he is and have faith in him in us in love.
5. I learned and I did: Always do what I love as what I do defines who I am. And in doing what I love, I need to provide solutions and not become a problem.
6. I reaffirmed: Buddhism tells eternal truth. Impermanence as well as causes and consequences. It is consistent from the tiniest thing in the world to the greatest things you can imagine and of course it also applies to things that are not understood by me and anyone on earth. It applies to the past and present and future. It’s the greatest wisdom.
7. I reaffirmed: Time is one of the greatest things in the world. Given time time, I can see the truth, I can be healed, I can achieve great things.
8. I reaffirmed: End of the world is not coming so soooooon so stop scaring everyone or yourself. By the way, do you know that we attract what we think or what we say?
9. I learned and I did: I am allowed to dislike people I don’t like. I respect everyone but if there is anyone who doesn’t respect me, I can just walk away than listen to him/her/them with my polite smile on my face.
10. I learned and I did: I shall not bug myself down with too much of others’ problems. They have their rights to think, act and say whatever things they want and I shall not be so angry over those bullshits they did or told me. Just stay away from garbage trucks and not to be influenced/ polluted by them.
11. I did: Laugh at least once every day. I did it by watching my favorite Korean show, 1N2D and staying close with jovial person at home at works.
12. I did: Read more. I did loads of reading in 2011 and still going strong!
13. I did: Exercise. I am picking up swimming and yoga (still starting slow :p). and I am thinking of running :D
14. I learned and I did: There are some good things from the 1N2D show I tried to apply in my daily life, e.g. gain respect by always giving the best in what we do, keep pushing the limits, team works, be jovial, be courteous, be loving, be supportive.
15. Et cetera.
My resolutions and wishes for the year: Be happier, healthier, stronger, wiser and richer. Buy a house. Earn myself a reputation at work, meet my life partner and practice item #4 :D, spend more quality time with friends and family.
It’s 2012 and I love it. 不求事事顺利，只求毅力勇气和智慧:)
amitabha.
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